My illness came on suddenly after the birth of my son in 2010. I was initially struck with postpartum psychosis and then struggled through severe postpartum depression. My son was just days old when my mind broke into a thousand pieces. My husband had to call 911 and then sign me into a psychiatric ward against my will. That was the first of three hospital stays that I would have to go through during the course of my illness. Upon being admitted to the hospital, I was totally out of touch with reality and a danger to myself. Fortunately, I never had thoughts of harming my baby. I count myself very fortunate for that because intrusive thoughts of that nature can happen, although not often, to women suffering through postpartum psychosis. I was seeing things and hearing things that were not real. Upon admittance into the hospital, I had a team of 4-5 healthcare professionals that restrained me and I was given a shot to sedate me. The next thing I remember is waking up in a padded room and finding my way out into the common/reception area. I was confused - panicked that I needed to pump breast milk for my new baby (which I hadn't done in days apparently because I was already on Prozac) - and my mind was just shattered. I recall sitting at the public phones that were available to patients and just punching numbers. I could not remember any phone numbers of loved ones I called weekly or daily. The hospital has to be very careful about what toiletries they give patients so baby shampoo is a safe one that they allowed me to use. I walked around in a hospital gown all around the floor smelling the soap because it reminded me of my son and I missed my baby so much it hurt. The hospital staff was so concerned about my welfare, they kept me under supervision for the first few days. I was not even allowed to leave to go to eat in common areas with the other patients. Today, my sweet son is five years old and I have 100% recovered. I am off all medications; I am back to my jammed packed schedule of career, personal, and volunteer activities; Landon, my son, is thriving and all developmental milestones have been on schedule (or ahead of schedule); and my amazing husband and I are approaching our 8 year anniversary in one week! Life is just wonderful and I feel truly blessed everyday.
The other day I was brainstorming about what I could possibly say to bring others hope during the darkest times of life. I was inspired by THIS article " 'I Wanted Us to Survive': 3 Years After the Newtown School Shooting, Hero Teacher Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis Joyfully Reunites with Her Kids." I am familiar with Kaitlin's story and am brought to tears - actually the ugly cry- every time I read about how she protected 15 little ones the day of the shooting by calming them and letting them know how much they were loved. I find her selflessness and mothering in that situation incredibly inspiring. Although her story is completely different than mine, I can relate to her because in the midst of my own personal crisis, my focus and priority was protecting my new baby - protecting him from myself, and fighting my hardest to get better so he would not be without a mommy. I knew he needed me. The will to survive shines through in many of life's hardest situations. What to remember when you are walking through the darkest of days is that you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, and you can come out the other side even stronger than before. It WILL get better and you just have to hang in there. Please, when you do overcome whatever it is you are battling (which you will), bring hope to those around you. We all live in this life together and supporting each other is what life is all about.
