Roller Coaster Ride

That is definitely how I would describe this week.

For those who know me in real life, you know that I have always wanted to be a mommy.  I started mothering my little sisters at a very young age.  I always pictured myself with three or four children.  When I used to play MASH, I always listed more than 1 child.  I always pictured my children growing up with siblings like I did.

It is hard to swallow that it is just not in the cards for my husband and I to have more than one child.

We were given a glimmer of hope from the new therapist this week that more children may be possible.  That is all I had to hear.  I took that and RAN with it.  Then, shortly after our session, I came across the blog of a mother who was a survivor of postpartum psychosis, too, and she went on to have another baby.  She had to take medication through her pregnancy, but it appears that her baby girl is the picture of health.  She did have a relapse, a psychotic episode, during her fifth week of pregnancy and had to be hospitalized, but everything worked out.  I thought - that could be me!  Looking at Landon and knowing how wonderful it is to be a mommy and how precious he is - I would do it all over again - I thought.  I was getting more and more hopeful that another child could be in our future.  Jason was, too.

A few days later, I was reading more information on the Postpartum Progress website and came across a recent post guest written by a man named Aaron.  He lost his wife to postpartum psychosis two months ago.  They have two sons and she committed suicide 4 months after her son was born.  That story shook Jason and I to the core.  It scared us to death.  There were so many similarities between me and Aaron's wife, Aimee.  Jason could totally relate to Aaron.  It was like he had written that piece himself when Aaron described Aimee as being not the same Aimee after being sick.  It made us stop and think.  I decided then that I needed to talk with my OBGYN - Dr. Freeman.  I had so many questions - Had he ever treated anyone who had survived postpartum psychosis who had gone on to have another baby?   What would the plan be for my treatment if I did become pregnant again?  Among other questions.  I knew that Jason and I weren't looking to get pregnant tomorrow, but I just wanted to gather all of the information I could.  Especially since I had scheduled a tubal ligation just weeks before for the end of July.  I wanted to make sure I had exhausted all of my resources and had all of the information available to me before I made such a permanent decision.

The meeting with Dr. Freeman was difficult.  I heard things I didn't want to hear, but that I pretty much already knew in my heart were true.  I told Dr. Freeman why I was there.  He said, "Christina, the recurrence rate is 60%-80%.  If you become pregnant again, you will likely suffer from psychosis again."  I asked him how many women he knew of that had suffered from psychosis went on to have other children.  He said, "I don't know of any.  Women who have been through what you have been through are not usually willing to go through that again.  Your condition is extremely rare.  In 26 years of practicing, you are the second person I have treated who has had postpartum psychosis.  You are the first person I have treated that did not display psychotic symptoms before pregnancy.  That is even rarer."  He offered to put me in touch with a Maternal Specialist from St. John's Hospital.  He said that they may have more experience with this, but that they are likely limited, too, by the fact that the condition is so rare.  Then he became frank with me.  He said, "Chris, we almost lost you the first time."  That sentence resonated in my ears.  I shook my head yes.  He said, "You must really want another baby."  I spoke up and told him that I was just wanting to gather all of the information I could before making a final decision about having children.   The most important thing to me is to be here for Landon.  Dr. Freeman said, "Absolutely."  I then shared some pictures of Landon with him and he asked to keep one.  I left...feeling cheated once again by psychosis. 

Even though it is "hard to swallow" that Jason and I will not have any more children, I know, over time, I will come to peace with it.  Like I told Dr. Freeman, the most important thing to me is to be here for Landon and of course Jason.  It just isn't worth the risk. 

It is really weird how you plan your life and picture how things will go and they end up turning out not like you could have imagined.  Sometimes it turns out even better.  Life with Jason, Landon, and Murphy is better than I could have ever imagined my life to turn out.  I am blessed beyond measure and am so grateful for what I have.

Thank you so very much for all of your kind words and for all of the support.  It means so much to me!  I truly appreciate it and it helps me very much.  Thank you again and have a great weekend.  More pictures of little Landon to come! :)