Anxious

I don't have many episodes of anxiety these days...not like I used to when I was a brand new mommy.  Thank God.  Constantly being anxious is not a fun way to live.

I had tremendous postpartum anxiety as well as the other illnesses I had.  Anxiety is not knew to me.  I had some episodes in college and took a medication for it for awhile.  At the time, I thought I was having heart trouble.  My doctor did some testing on me to make sure that was not it, and he came to the conclusion I was having major anxiety and panic attacks.  After college, it seemed to get better for me.  I would get anxious at times, but was able to cope well with it on my own without medication.

Since having Landon, anxiety has become an unwelcomed visitor once again.  My "grown-up" diagnosis...the diagnosis that I have since the postpartum period is well over...is - Major Depression with an Anxiety Disorder.  The doctor has prescribed Xanex for me and I took it in the beginning because the anxiety was just so debilitating.  I was afraid of everything.  Caring for Landon, germs, vomiting, you name it and I was anxious about it. 

I don't like the way Xanex makes me feel.  It makes me feel sleepy, doped up, airy.  I don't feel totally HERE and present.  And for me - I just don't want to mother Landon feeling like that.  So as a result, for a LONG time, I just have coped with the anxiety on my own, without the Xanex.  I think I do a good job of it.  It isn't easy at times, like this past week.  Landon has been so ill.  I had extreme anxiety Sunday and Monday when he was at his sickest.  The 12 hours of vomiting, the ER visit, and the worrying that the vomiting was going to come back all contributed to my anxiety.  I didn't tell Jason that I was crazy anxious just because I didn't want to add to his stress of Landon being sick.  I felt like I could have used a Xanex, but then again, it would make me feel so sedated that I feel like I wouldn't be able to care for Landon as well.  Talk about a difficult place to be.  I have worked though it over the past few days, but it has been exhausting .  I feel a little better today.  I am just now anxious about Jason and I getting sick.  When will it hit?  Will I be at work?  Will I be driving in my car?  Who will care for Landon if we both get sick?  Will I have enough time off from work?  The nurse said that the puking could return - that this sickness is 5-7 days - so will it?  What will we do if Landon starts puking again?  Will it go on for another 12 HOURS?  UGH.  These are all things that go through my head.  I. HATE. ANXIETY. 

I know every mother has worry and every mother is anxious from time to time.  But this anxiety is all consuming.  It makes my heart beat faster and makes my chest tighten up.  It makes sleeping difficult.  It depletes my energy and takes away my appetite.  It is all I can think about during the day.

I hope that Landon gets well in the next few days and I hope that Jason and I are spared and don't get this illness.  I can't wait for things to just get back to normal.  I am so DONE with winter and flu season!  I am OVER IT!!!   And I am tired of being anxious.

For you mommas that do take medication to cope with anxiety, do what is best for you.  I think it is absolutely okay to take medication if you need it.  I am just so used to coping on my own with it.  For me, I think taking less medication is best. 

Thanks for listening friends.  Getting this off my chest helps. A lot.