Down Came the Rain

I cannot believe how quickly I was able to get through Brooke Shield's book, "Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression." I am so glad my mom gave me this book to read and I am so glad Brooke used her celebrity to bring some much needed attention to postpartum depression. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has suffered postpartum depression. I know you will find the book extremely helpful.

There were many times, during the coarse of reading this book, I felt like I could have easily written the same words. Brooke talks about how she was afraid to be left alone because she was afraid she would try to escape or that she would try to swallow a bottle of pills. I had similar thoughts. Each time, by the grace of God, I was able to tell Jason and my Mom that I needed to go back into the hospital. I am not the type of person who would ever want to hurt themselves and that was all I could think about. The depression was just so severe and I just felt like a terrible mother and a terrible wife. My mom kept reassuring me that she had been where I was and it WILL get better. It was so hard to believe that at the time. The sadness and hopelessness was like nothing I had ever experienced before. At times, it felt like things would never be ok.

Like Brooke, I have always wanted to be a mommy. I knew I was placed on this earth to become a mother. I even had more practice than the average new parent. My mother was an alcoholic when I was growing up (thank God she is a recovering alcoholic now). I took care of my sisters - my girls - Jenny and Angie - when my mother was not well. It started when I was around 12 and would get them up and off to school. Doctors appointments - I took them. School registration - I waited in the long lines and signed them up. Senior pictures - yep I went with them and paid for the best photographer I could find. High school graduation parties - I threw them. When they would do something wrong - who were they afraid of? Not my mom and dad, but me. My bond with my sisters is still so strong. I am just so happy that my mom is doing well. She was there for me throughout all of this and I never would have made it through it without her.

I still struggle with feeling cheated when I think of how miserable my maternity leave was and how it should have been such a joyful time. That upsets me. However, I have been making up for lost time. When I was sick, the doctor first new that I was not myself when she asked me "What would you do if Jason told you that you could not see your baby for a week?" My response was that whatever he said was fine with me. Now, I would never want to be separated from my son.

I know now that I deserve to be a mom. I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do my best and that is good enough. I know that I am a good mother and a good wife. Brooke said in the book that "Nobody knows what they're doing when they first have kids, and I wasn't going to fail, because it wasn't a test. As long as I tried, I would pass. There was more than just one acceptable way to raise children." This really hit home with me. During my hallucinations, I really thought I was undergoing a huge test and that I had to answer all of the questions correctly and if I didn't, someone was going to take my baby away from me. Now that I am well on my way to being better, I know that is completely irrational thinking, but at the time it seemed so real. I am so blessed to have found the right medications, therapies, and have such a strong support system. Many women do not get help and their battle lasts much longer than mine did.

Landon is starting to want to be held by only me and he can't take his eyes off of me when I am running around the house doing chores. It is so cute and makes me feel so important and so loved. It is such an amazing feeling that I can't describe in words. It is the best. Only other mothers know what I am talking about. That little boy is my whole world now. I am so glad I get to enjoy it and I look forward to every day with my family. God is so good all of the time!