Flashbacks - Part II

Let's be totally honest...I did not have an easy pregnancy from the get-go. Morning sickness (yes), morning sickness for the entire pregnancy (pretty much all but 2 months), hospitalized to receive fluids (twice), anemic (oh yes), diagnosed with asthma during pregnancy (I will take one of those), preterm labor (of course), bed rest (5 weeks), and the list does go on - I just can't recall everything off the top of my head. Take those circumstances and add a long labor, 1 1/2 hours of pushing, and an unscheduled c-section and you have a woman high at risk for postpartum depression. After Landon was born, I didn't cry in the operating room. I remember being by myself (Jason had left to follow Landon as I told him to) and I asked one of the nurses if it is ok that I didn't cry when Landon was born. They laughed at me and told me it was ok and that not all moms cry. Now if you would have asked anyone - they would have told you that I was an emotional person and I would definitely cry when I had my first-born child. Right then, my friends, I should have known that something was not right.

I was able to sleep in the hospital, but the first night home from the hospital, I had an AWFUL dream. It was so vivid and so real. My dream involved someone coming to take Landon and him disappearing. When I woke up, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was so afraid to go back to sleep. I learned later on that sleep deprivation is a major cause of postpartum psychosis. Every time I would sleep, I would have awful, vivid, sometimes gory dreams. I had one where my niece, Louise, was kidnapped, rapped, and murdered. Now that time has passed, I can't recall the third dream, but I know that it was equally bad. I got to where I refused to sleep. I think my family said I went 3 days without sleeping. My family was very concerned.

Pretty soon I was having crying spells. I remember asking my mom to watch Landon for me because I needed to just be alone. She came in and asked if everything was ok and I said no. I just cried and cried. I laid in the bedroom, in-between Landon's feedings, and just cried. Jason came in and tried his best to console me. He told me everything was going to be ok. It sure didn't feel like it. I felt like I was dying and I was so afraid I was going to leave Jason as a single father and Landon without a mother. It was like all of my deepest darkest fears became a reality. All of my worries manifested themselves into real life when I was under psychosis. It was a real living nightmare.

The day the psychosis took a turn for the worst, was the day of Landon's first doctor appointment. Before the doctor, we decided to take him to our friend, Emily and Cary's house. I remember talking to Emily and she was concerned about me. She had dealt with major postpartum depression twice and was still dealing with the aftermath years later. After our visit, we were on our way to the doctor and my mind started going "funny." I felt like we were being tested by the doctor and if we didn't pass the test, he wouldn't let us keep our baby. I heard a voice tell me that all I needed to do was trust Jason. Whatever Jason said was ok. A lot of the actual office visit is fuzzy. I remember telling the doctor that this was a test. I tried answering questions, but couldn't. I was SO confused as to what I should say and what I should do. I scared Jason. The doctor knew something was not right with me. When we left I still thought we were being tested, but I was relieved they let us leave with the baby.

I get confused as to the order of events after this because I was not in my right mind, but I think Jason left me home alone with the baby. I remember feeling like this was part of the test and being scared that things weren't right and I shouldn't be alone with the baby, but I didn't know how to pass this part of the test. I called Jason and he asked if everything was ok and I lied and said yes. I got off the phone with Jason and was pacing back and forth with my newborn son. Then I thought my family could win the lottery if I would just walk outside with no clothes on. Thank goodness I didn't do that! Good grief! That stemmed from my worries about my family's financial security. I then decided to call my mom and tell her I was not ok to be alone with the baby. She came right over. I knew something wasn't right and that I needed someone to help me care for the baby.

We had many visitors, but all of that is really fuzzy. I remember my Mom wanting me to sleep and I just wouldn't sleep. I wanted to continue to make lists. I was making all of these lists trying to get things organized because my mind was so unorganized. I later found out that they took me to Jefferson Regional Hospital that evening and after hours of being observed - I was released and diagnosed with having an anxiety disorder. I do remember parts of the hospital stay. I would tell my mom all of these things when we were alone and when the doctors would come in, I would pretend everything was ok. Well, I fooled them and they let me go. The next day was my doctor's appointment to get my staples removed. I remember feeling like it was the next part of the test. Then I flipped out at the doctor's office when they removed my stitches. I later found out that they had an emergency meeting that evening after I left to discuss my case and they came to the conclusion that I was suffering from psychosis. By the time they discovered that and made the call to Jason, I had already been rushed to St. John's. After we left my doctor's office, Jason took me to McDonald's and Walgreens. I remember him calling me "babe" which was comforting to me and he asked me many questions. We arrived home and Jason said that I HAD to sleep that that we were going to go and take a nap. I got up, went into the living room, I remember passing Judy and saying something to her, going on the couch and then I totally lost it. The next thing I remember is seeing my Aunt Terry and Dad's faces inches from my own, asking them if they would still be there when I woke up from sleep, making them blink once for yes and twice for no, crying hysterically. I remember having my "three moms" (my mom, Aunt Terry, and Judy) walk with me as we went outside to the car. Jason meeting me in the hallway and me refusing to get in the car. He tried to pick me up and place me in the car. I made everyone "freeze" in place so I could see everyone at one time because I was afraid someone was going to die. I grabbed onto my cousin, Nick, and made him promise not to leave. He turned around and left anyway, and I was hysterical because I thought my Aunt Terry was going to have to experience losing her only son and I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I told my Dad in the garage that I was going to win the lottery and everything was going to be ok. Everyone was crying. I remember the ambulance coming and them trying to talk me into going with them. The paramedic was kneeling in front of me and I asked him if he was going to ask me to marry him (good grief again). In the ambulance, I asked for Jason, my sister-in-law Cori, and my friend Thomas. Jason rode up there with me. I became very uncooperative at St. John's hospital and they had to sedate me. Once asleep, the nightmare didn't stop. I had this Groundhog day type dream that I was dying and had to wake up in order to live and I just couldn't wake up. It was hell. When I finally woke up, I found myself in a padded room.

The hospital stay is a post for another day. It really does help to write about what happened to me that day. Thanks for listening.