Struggling

I am struggling...with my recovery.  The new therapist didn't work out, which is disappointing,  I had such high hopes that this new therapist was the ticket to getting me to feeling 100% like me again.

The psychosis has changed my life and I am slowly...VERY SLOWLY...putting the pieces back together and finding out who I am.

There is good news though!  Even though I am struggling, I know that God is walking this path with me. 

The Lord has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.  Psalm 94:22

One thing that the therapist did do for me is that she helped me to strengthen and mend my relationship with the Lord.  For that I am grateful.  I was angry at God for a long time.  I didn't understand why I became sick.  I didn't understand why I wasn't able to enjoy the first part of Landon's life.  I just feel like I missed out on so much and there is so much I don't even remember.  I am asked questions about when Landon was weeks old and I can't answer them because I have no real memory of that time period.  Everything is hazy.  Landon doesn't even have a baby book because I was unable to fill one out.  There were so many gaps from my hospital stays and me just being ill.  I ended up throwing it away because looking at it just made me feel guilty.  I cannot focus on what I missed out on.  I have to come to peace with that.  I know that I am a good mommy now and that is what is important.  I know that Landon won't remember me being so sick.  And the kid has 4 scrapbooks full of baby pictures and he isn't even 2 yet! 


Another thing I am really struggling with is the fact that having another baby just isn't in the cards for me.  I think the main reason why I wanted to have another baby is because I just wanted a second chance.  I wanted to have a second chance at mothering a tiny newborn.  I wanted a second chance to experience the joys and happiness that so many women get to experience during the first weeks of their baby's life.  Jason and I met with a high risk obstetrician a few weeks ago and we were told that it would be in everyone's (myself, Jason, and Landon) best interest if I did not have another baby.  The psychosis will return and it could be just as bad or even worse than the first episode.  We are extremely blessed that Jason, Landon, and myself are safe and healthy.  Having another baby would put all of us at risk and would put us all in harm's way.  Jason and I are not willing to do that.  It was such a difficult meeting for me.  I was so disappointed, but I also felt a sense of peace, too, because we finally made a decision.  Jason was so great and supportive.  I am extremely blessed with a wonderful husband.  I am scheduled to have a tubal ligation on July 31st.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I will need them the day of the surgery.  It will be a tough day for me, but it will bring closure, which I desperately need.  In the end, I think it will be a very good thing.

I do feel like I am on the right track.  I recently started working out at an all women's gym and I feel at home there.  It is a much more comfortable atmosphere and I have a feeling that I will find success there.  My psychiatrist recently changed my medication.  We are trying something new...which is a little scary...but should really help control my moods.  My mother takes the same medication and responds well to it so that is a point in my favor.

Jason and I have several camping trips coming up that I am looking forward to.  Camping is a lot of work, but it is super fun!  Landon's birthday is coming up and he is going to have a party at the park and a party at the Lake.  Since we are only have one child, this little boy is going to be spoiled rotten!  :)  We are going on a date night this weekend and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband.  We need that right now.

So...that is what is going on with me.  I am struggling, but holding strong and fighting to feel good!  I have a renewed faith in God, a wonderful husband and son, and the BEST friends a girl could ask for.  Thank you to everyone who has called me and e-mailed me and spent time with me over the past few weeks.  It means a lot and helps more than you know.  Please say a few prayers for me and my family.  I will keep you all in my prayers as well.

Take good care and remember...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6