I Wish...

 I wish that when I was receiving treatment for my illness I would have been given the opportunity to see my son, to touch him, and to love on him.  You see, I received treatment at a regular hospital each time.  A standard behavioral health unit.  Each time, I was the only woman there receiving treatment for a postpartum mood disorder.  Because of that, I decided that it was in Landon's best interest if I did not see him during my hospital stays.  Instead, I relied on pictures, phone calls, and the smell of baby shampoo. The sights and smells of my newborn comforted me, but not in the way that actually touching him would have.  That was unfortunate for me because I believe it delayed the bonding with my son and I believe it made my recovery more difficult.  Luckily for me, Landon and I continued to form a strong bond when I was released from the hospital and he was able to form close bonds with my husband and Landon's paternal grandparents while I was sick.  Landon is still a paw-paw's boy to this day because of the love and care he was given while I was hospitalized.  I was truly blessed in that way.

When I became sick after the birth of my son, there wasn't an option for me to receive care while taking care of my baby.  Good news!  Not every mother has to go through what I did.  Some women are given the option of receiving treatment while taking care of their babies.  Now, this may not be the best method of treatment for everyone and I am not even sure if it would have been the best thing for Landon when I first got sick because, well, I was just so very sick.  I think though that my husband and I would have been more inclined to bring Landon to a facility that's sole purpose was to treat sick mothers.  It would have been very beneficial for me to at least have been able to hold Landon while I was staying in the hospital.  A visit in a comfortable environment would have been very good for me at that time.

I try to imagine how different my treatment would have been if I would have been able to keep Landon with me in the hospital.  How different my treatment would have been if I would have been cohabiting and recovering with other mothers going through the same thing I was going through because at the time I felt so alone and so...crazy.  I felt like I was a freak.  I did relate on some level with the people also receiving treatment at the hospital, but I was the only one that was suffering from postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression during both of my longer stays in the hospital.   It can be such a lonely illness to have and when you are surrounded by people whom you can't really relate to, it just adds to that loneliness.

There is a place that recently started a treatment program for mothers and babaies.  That place is called Pine Rest.  Pine rest offers treatment to mothers suffering from postpartum mood disorders and anxiety.  Not only are you able to still bond with your baby while receiving treatment, but you receive support from other mothers.  How terrific is that!  Naturally, they state that the success rate of their patients is higher than those who receive more traditional treatment.  It would have been fantastic to have the support of other mothers when I was first diagnosed.

I wish that there was a facility like this in Missouri.  I wish there was a facility like this in every state.  I wish that there was more support for these illnesses in my county even.

Maybe, hopefully, someday there will be a place in Missouri that offers this kind of treatment.  I hope that if there is, I can be a part of it in someway.