Rambling Post

I have tried to sit down and write a meaningful post all week, but I just couldn't bring myself to start it off right nor to finish one.  I am experiencing some severe writer's block and it is frustrating.  I have all of these thoughts and good ideas that run through my head and when it comes to writing them down, I blank. Sigh.

What I do know is this -

Thank goodness!  It has been a long week, but we made it to the weekend!  I love and enjoy my weekends so much.  Especially since I get to spend extra time with my punky.  We have been enjoying playing outside, sword fights (with foam swords of course), playing matching games with our Sesame Street memory game - which was introduced to us by our Parents as Teachers instructor this week, and Landon's new favorite - visiting our neighbor John.  He LOVES visiting the neighbors and he even uses that big word - neighbors - and he uses it properly!  My boy is getting to be so big!  I am not totally sure what this weekend has in store for us, but I know that we will have fun.

I had my regular check-in with my psychiatrist yesterday and everything is going really well.  I am SO VERY SLOWLY (which is recommended and the right way to do things but I am getting to be REALLY impatient with this process) weaning off of one of my medications.  I am getting close to being totally off of it and I can't wait because this is the last drug that I am taking that has a side effect of weight gain.  I have gained a VERY significant amount of weight since I started on my medications.  No matter what I do, I can't seem to move the scale in the direction I want to go in.  Right now, I am not trying as hard as I should be and my eating habits are less than desirable, but I plan to kick it into gear once I am off this medicine.  I just feel like it is an upward battle right now and I get so discouraged when I try so hard and nothing really happens.  I know I am older than I was when I lost 40 pounds the first time I really tried to lose weight, but the weight came off so differently then.  I know because I am 10 years older, it won't be that easy this time around, but hell, it has to be easier once I am off this medicine - right?  I even have appetite suppressants that I can take (prescribed by my doctor) after I am off the meds which I hope will help as well.  I pray that I am able to lose some of this weight because I just want to feel better about myself.  Right now - I have like zero self esteem.  It sucks.  And it sucks not being able to fit into anything I own.  That is an awful feeling.  And swimsuit season is just around the corner and the thought of getting my chubby self into a swim suit makes me want to hide under a blanket until summer is over.  LOL!  Not really because I will get into a swim suit to take Landon swimming, but I would really rather not.  Only for Landon.  For sure.

Before my illnesses, I was so into my faith.  I was so devoted and I was so spiritual.  That has really changed over the course of my recovery.  I feel badly for it, but I can't help the way I feel.  I still love God and I still believe, but I don't talk to him nearly as much, I don't really care if I make it to church or not, and I find myself frustrated often with Him.  I hope that our relationship can be mended and I believe it can be over time.  I just REALLY struggle with how I am still dealing with the Postpartum Psychosis almost 3 years later - even though I am feeling really good for the most part, I am still on medicine, and I am now overweight.  I feel like - I was given the illness to battle and conquer, why do I have to also battle and conquer weight gain again in my life?  Haven't I been through enough?  I look in the mirror and I barely recognize the person that looks back at me.  If I think about it too much, it can be a really depressing realization.  It just...SUCKS.

My only consolation is that all of these trails and tribulations have brought me to Landon.  I have been through everything so that I can be a good momma for Landon and I believe that I am on most days.  I make mistakes and I beat myself up for them.  But I think Landon is happy and healthy and he is thriving, so what more could I really ask for?  I also look at how fragile life is and I am smacked in the face with the reality that I am truly blessed beyond measure.  Two times this week I was reminded of that.  First, when my good friend's uncle suddenly died at the age of 50 from a heart attack that led to strokes and other health problems.  And secondly, when I found out that Jason's cousin's husband is suffering from a failing heart and he is just in his thirties.  Stuff happens to people.  Bad stuff.  I am not exempt from that.  I know that I need to just get over it, but it is just not that easy.  

I am just going to do the best I can.  I have to try to be my very best for Landon because he deserves that.  I love that he loves me unconditionally.  He doesn't care that I am over 20 pounds overweight, he doesn't care that I hardly put on makeup anymore, and he doesn't care that my hair looks like a hot mess right now.  He just loves his momma and that is what matters most to me.

On another note - what I am reading right now - is The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom.

 

It is an amazing book that I really recommend.  I am not finished with it, but I can barely put the book down.  It is so good.   Thanks for being there and for listening to me ramble on and on with this post.  I hope you all have a super great weekend.  I plan to post some pictures (hopefully) this weekend if Landon lets me!!!  :)