Why?

As I mentioned on my blog last week, I am very blessed to be doing so very well.  In fact, I dare to say that I feel like I have fully recovered.  It has been such a long hard journey.  I am fortunate enough to belong to a network of women on the Internet who have survived or are still struggling with their postpartum mood disorders and a small number of these women have experienced the personal hell of postpartum psychosis.  Now that I am completely on the other side, I still feel this obligation - duty if you will - to offer myself and my experience to other mothers who are struggling - especially with postpartum psychosis.

I was really surprised when I came across *Rebecca (name has been changed to protect those involved) and her story yesterday.  I am actively involved in this community and I am not sure how I missed this story last year, but I did.  Rebecca became sick last year - September 2012.  Tragically, Rebecca's 10 week old daughter did not survive her mother's battle with this terrible illness.  And that leaves me asking, what makes my story different than Rebecca's?  Why were we blessed enough to have a happy ending?  Rebecca had even sought treatment and had received an antidepressant, but ended up having an adverse reaction to the drug, which caused her not to sleep for days, and then the psychosis set in.  And once that happens, things spiral out of control so very quickly.  She heard voices and acted on what the voices were telling her.  I have very vivid memories of holding Landon at 5 days old, hearing voices, but somehow calling and asking for help.  Why?  I recall God being present throughout my illness and my recovery.  Where was he when Rebecca needed him?  Does she have a relationship with God?  These are all questions I ask myself when I am brought back to the reality of what this disease has the capability of doing.  Often times, I feel like I barely escaped living a terrible tragedy myself and that leaves me with so many questions that will never be answered in this lifetime.

A year later and Rebecca is still in the hospital.  Her surviving two young children, now ages 3 and 4, and her husband are trying to pick up the pieces while Rebecca is coming to terms with their loss and her severe depression.  During the course of the year, her husband has not always had custody of their other children, but fortunately was granted custody a few months ago.  He takes them to see their mother weekly at the hospital.  My heart hurts so much for this family.

I think about what it must be like for Rebecca to be in the mental institution she is in and I wonder about what kind of support she has.  I am fairly certain that she is not allowed access to computers, as I wasn't when I was being treated, so I know that she does not have our community of warrior moms available to her.  I know she must feel so very alone.  And I cannot pretend to imagine what it must feel like to have lost a child, and for that loss to be a result of your own hand.  I seriously cannot really even think about that part too much.

What I know in my heart is that Rebecca is a good mother who is very very sick.  She didn't ask for this illness and it isn't something she wanted.  I have asked my friend what is it that this family needs right now?  How can I try to help?  I was told that the husband is only asking for prayers at this time for  his family, specifically his two surviving children as they start preschool for the first time.  And I was given an address to write a letter of support for Rebecca.  I am going to do this as soon as I can.  It is incredibly important in the healing process to know that you are not alone, that other women "get it," and that you WILL get better.  I imagine that Rebecca being suicidal for so long is a result of losing her daughter, and her only being in recovery for a year so far, I feel like she has a long way to go.  She can survive this though and she can go on to enjoy her surviving two children.

While I am doing remarkably well and am enjoying life with my small family, I am still not at a place where I can forget all that has happened.  I don't dwell on it daily anymore and it doesn't consume all of my thoughts, but it still is there.  I know now that the illness does not define me or who I am.  As another warrior mom said this week this experience just gives me an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of other struggling moms. 

At the end of the day, I look at my husband and I look at my son and I am just overcome with love, gratitude, and appreciation for the many gifts I have been given.  I thank God so often for my life, my family, my marriage.  I am not sure why my story ended so differently and I am very aware that it could have easily - very easily - had a much different ending.

Please keep Rebecca and her family in your prayers as they need them desperately.

Talk to you soon -

Tina xoxo