I won the war

As many of you know, the road to having a child was not easy for my husband and myself. We suffered a miscarriage, tried for months and months to get pregnant the second time, had a difficult pregnancy, and a difficult labor and delivery. The end result was all worth it - and I would do it again. Landon is perfect and all I have ever wanted was to be a wife and a mommy. However, the difficult journey did not end when Landon was born healthy via an unplanned cesarean on August 10, 2010. In fact, that was just the beginning of one of the most difficult times in my life; my battle with postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression.

Gasp! Did I daresay that I suffered from postpartum issues? I should know better than to talk about this. It is meant to be kept secret. People don't want to hear about postpartum issues. You are supposed to suffer silently. Giving birth to your first born will be joyful, exciting, and you will exert tremendous happiness to all you encounter. Why would someone be depressed after giving birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy??? It is so difficult to explain what psychosis and deep - severe - depression feels like. Psychosis was so incredibly scary. It was brought on by severe stress - loosing a baby, difficult pregnancy, husband not working steady, limited time off scheduled for maternity leave, giving my Dad back the responsibility of managing his finances,and most of all an unplanned surgery, sleep deprivation, raging hormones, and the stress of breastfeeding. I was having the worst dreams of my life when I would fall asleep, which caused me to be afraid to sleep. Everyone kept telling me to sleep and I just couldn't. As a result, I started hallucinating and my behavior became a danger to myself. Thank the Good Lord above that I never wanted to hurt my baby. 7 days after giving birth, I was taken by ambulance to St. John's Mercy Medical Center's Behavioral Health Unit and signed in involuntarily. I still do not remember all of the events of that day, but what I do remember is enough. It was horrible. Everyone was crying and I was very sick. My first hospital stay lasted 4 nights and 5 days. Jason had to make the difficult decision for us to discontinue breastfeeding. I was devastated. That was the one thing I was doing right and the one way I was bonding with my son and it had to be taken away from me. Jason made the right decision because it was all just too much for me to handle at the time and Landon did receive the colostrum and breast milk for at least a week, which was important. During my stay, the psychiatrist was able to stabilize my moods and I was released to come home. I found out much later that Jason was told I had an 80% chance of developing postpartum depression. 2 weeks later I started plummeting into a deep and crippling depression.

It is difficult to explain what this type of depression feels like. It is unlike anything I have experienced before. I felt inadequate as a mother. I felt utter hopelessness and a feeling that this sadness would never go away. I felt like Landon and Jason would be better off without me. It was miserable. I was hospitalized another two times for the depression. My last hospital stay was the longest, but most beneficial. I am on the right medications and feel more like myself. Thank God! My cousin, Jason, told me before I went into the hospital this last time that my two relapses were small battles and it wasn't important for me to win every battle. What is important is for me to win the war (he is a Captain for the US Army...can you tell?).

As I sit here reading Brooke Shields book "Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression", I can't help but think that this book was written especially for me. Our stories have so many similarities. I am so grateful to Brooke for putting a famous face with this mental illness. People shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. People openly talk about diabetes, cancer, allergies...postpartum depression should be something people can talk about. It wasn't my fault that I developed this illness. I openly tell people that I am healing from postpartum depression. I am not ashamed. I remember going into Walgreens one day and I had to ask the Pharmacist for advice on what cold medicine I could take. I explained to him that I was on psychotropic medications for postpartum depression and I was not sure which cold medicines I could take. There was a lady standing right next to me and the look she gave me after I said the dreaded P word was so telling. I didn't care. I stood tall that day and I will continue to do so.

I just saw my psychiatrist yesterday and everything is looking good! After over 5 months of battling this illness, I am finally at a place where I can say I feel like myself. My hope is that if you or someone you know is battling postpartum depression, you will pass along my name and contact information. I would be more than happy to try to help. It is a very lonely illness and the more support you have, the easier it is to get help. I was blessed by an enormous amount of help from my family and an understanding and amazing husband. I am finally at a place where I so very much enjoy being a mother. My biggest accomplishment is the fact that I am Landon's momma. I would do it all over again - everything - to have Landon as my son.

I am a blessed woman and I did indeed win the war.