Still Recovering

Could it be true that I am still recovering from postpartum depression when my son is almost 2 years old? My husband has been telling me for a long time - "you aren't the same Tina" and "you have changed." I refused to listen to him and to believe it. Well, guess what. I believe it now. I can see that I am not the same. I don't talk as much. I don't laugh as much. I don't cry at all. And I used to do all of the above all of the time. I would cry to songs on the radio at least twice a day if not more. What has happened? Why am I not progressing in my therapy? How can I get back to being me?

What I do know is that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I do know that I am a good mom. I do know that I am not the psychosis, depression, and anxiety and that it doesn't define me. What I am having lots of trouble with is the fact that I was robbed of the joys that new motherhood brings. I am grieving for the time that I lost, for the time that I can't even remember except through pictures, for the baby book that I never completed and that I threw out because it was just too painful to look at all of the blank spaces my illness created in it. And I am mad. 1% of pregnant women suffer from postpartum psychosis. Why did God chose me? Why did God chose me for a difficult pregnancy that I didn't really get to enjoy? Why did God chose me for a difficult labor and delivery that didn't end the way I had planned? Why did God chose me to suffer from postpartum psychosis, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and finally postpartum post traumatic stress disorder? How could God chose to burden someone like me who was so devote and faithful?  So I am totally mad pissed off. Excuse my French. That is where I am at. I am stuck. Stuck in my healing process. Then why have I been so excited on Facebook about "a new plan?"

Well, here it is... I am going to take back control of my treatment plan. I am going to revamp it. Jason and I couldn't be more excited! We saw a new therapist on Monday and we left the session feeling SO hopeful and SO good. It was ah-mazing! The positive energy the session created has had me pumped up all week and I think I got A LITTLE carried away. LOL. Ok, a lot carried away. But it was fun and I have to say it was good for me. A lot of good has come from it actually. Could 1 session really be life changing? Yes! Totally worth the $54.00 we spent. Ha! My new therapist, Mary Ellen, hit the nail on the head in so many ways. We connected right away. I can't say that I haven't connected with Shakoo (my current therapist). She is a nice lady - so very nice - and she means well. I just think that she was there for a season of my recovery and that it is over now and I need to move on. What the session made me realize is that I am not at the mercy of these mental healthcare providers. I am in control of my treatment and deserve the right to know what is going on. I CAN heal to become me again!!!!  I can stop being angry at God. Believe me, that was music to my husband's ears.

 I think I am going to keep my psychiatrist. But I am going to switch therapists and I am going to give Mary Ellen and her new form of therapy a whirl. She introduced Jason and I to eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. It is pretty controversial and has little research to support its effectiveness. However, it can't hurt me to try it. Jason and I think it is worth trying for a few months. I think, in the very least, it will help with some of my anxiety. Mary Ellen tried to sell it as a miracle cure of sorts. Jason and I have let the dust settle and we know that it probably isn't that, but that it may relieve some of my anxiety and postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder. After a few months of therapy, I am going to take the advice of a friend who is a psychologist and seek the help of a Licensed Clinical Psychologist.

It has been a big week for us!

Not to mention all of the above, I stumbled upon a support network for survivors of postpartum mood disorders - Postpartum Progress. It has been so wonderful to read the articles they offer. I see myself in every.single.one. It is UNREAL. I was able to connect with another mom who suffered from postpartum psychosis. How cool is that? I no longer feel so alone. I also connected with another mother today who has tried EMDR and am waiting to hear a response from her. The networking Postpartum Progress has provided has been priceless. I dare to say that I feel very blessed to have stumbled across the website. I know over time and through the help of my doctors, I will heal. I do have to realize though that some women never fully heal from postpartum mood disorders and the aftermath they leave. I might just be one of those women and that is ok. I will just continue to work on it and to make progress. I have a tremendous support system and I don't know where I would be without all of my angels. You all know who you are. Thanks so much for reading and for sticking around!